Brain Shuffle, 10/12/08

-- Kudos to John McCain for telling his supporters that Barack Obama is a decent man and good citizen with whom McCain just happens to have some disagreements. Funny thing is, that also pretty much sums up how I feel about John McCain.

-- Hey, Tom Dart, if the courts tell you you're in contempt for refusing to evict rent-paying tenants whose landlords had their mortgages foreclosed, just tell the courts they've given you so many eviction notices that you haven't quite gotten to all of them yet.

-- I understand parents who condone drinking among their teenage kids. But I also understand adults who don't condone it. And I really, really don't understand parents who would get upset at an adult who doesn't condone it. If you think it's such a great idea, you drive your kids' dumb asses around.

-- Not that I condone this sort of thing, but if you had asked me which American city was most likely to boo Sarah Palin or any other national candidate, I would have guessed Philadelphia even before it happened.

-- Don't look now, but Billy Mays is this generation's Ron Popeil.

-- If only the Blackhawks could have played as well as Pat Foley sounded broadcasting Saturday night's game on WGN.

Kevin's NFL Picks, 2008 Season Week 6

Amazingly, despite my hellish Friday night (post coming soon), I got these in a full 24 hours before games start!

LOCK

Baltimore +4 at INDIANAPOLIS (O/U: 38.5)

With the miracles the Colts have needed to notch their two wins, there's good reason to believe the Ravens will win this one outright.

HIGH FIVE

WASHINGTON -13.5 vs. St. Louis (O/U: 44)
The Rams have lost games this year by (in order) 35, 28, 24 and 17. So they are getting closer to covering these huge spreads. Still, they're on the road against a very good team.

ARIZONA +5 vs. Dallas (O/U: 51)
The Cardinals play much better in the Pacific time zone, enough to take the points and forget about it.

New York Giants -9 at CLEVELAND (O/U: 43.5)
It's hard not to believe in the Giants, and the Browns may be without leading receiver Kellen Winslow.

Cincinnati +8.5 at NEW YORK JETS (O/U: 42.5)
The Bungles are back, but they're more competitive on the road.

Miami +3 at HOUSTON (O/U: 44.5)
Sorry, Texans fans, the misery continues.

WILD CARD

Philadelphia -4.5 at SAN FRANCISCO (O/U: 42.5)
Something tells me the Eagles cover this one, but it's tough to lay points on the road.

STAY AWAY

Oakland +7 at NEW ORLEANS (O/U: 47.5)
The Raiders have been surprisingly competitive, but who knows how the will react to a new coach.

Jacksonville +3.5 at DENVER (O/U: 48)
Last week, the Broncos were laying 3.5 against a mediocre Florida team, and they allowed a garbage-time touchdown that made them lose by a hook.

Detroit +13 at MINNESOTA (O/U: 45.5)
The only question is whether the Vikings can score enough to cover, but that's a really good question.

THE REST

Carolina +1.5 at TAMPA BAY (O/U: 36.5)
This will go a long way toward determining top dog in the NFC South, which should be the Panthers, although they are actually cats, so that's a point against, on top of which you really want to be careful about taking road teams in divisional games.

Chicago -3 at ATLANTA (O/U: 43.5)
As good as the Bears have looked lately, the Falcons are too hard to read to make a call here.

Green Bay -1 at SEATTLE (O/U: 45)
Raise your hand if you actually care about this game. Yeah, that's what I thought.

New England +5 at SAN DIEGO (O/U: 44)
I kind of like the Patriots here, but the last time I went against the Chargers as home chalk I got schooled.

RECORDS Last week (season)
Overall includes lock and high five picks -- I track my wild card picks for fun but claim no accountability for them.

OVERALL: 4-2 (13-11)
Lock: 0-1 (2-2)
High 5: 4-1 (11-9)

Wild Card: 0-1 (1-3)

Bears 34, Lions 7: Yeah, But It's Just The Lions

Not much to say about the Bears’ latest win, except maybe that road wins in the division are always nice, even when they’re a foregone conclusion. So here are some random thoughts:

-- The Lions might not win a game this year. I'll be more impressed if the Bears beat the surprisingly competitive Falcons.

-- It feels like 34-7 is a more common final score for a Bears’ victory over the Lions than any other single score. But I seriously don’t care enough to look it up. (But they DID win by that exact score in 2006.)

-- I laughed out loud when the Lions challenged a fumble call deep in their territory, down 24-0, finally got the ball back after an exceptionally lengthy delay, and then, on the very next play, threw an interception that Charles Tillman returned for a touchdown.

-- Heck, I even chuckled a little typing out that description just now.

-- If Kyle Orton goes 24-for-34 for 334 yards and two touchdowns every week, it’s going to be a good season. And if it’s a good season, I might stop whining about how the Bears should be at least 4-1 right now and in control of, rather than merely leading, a division that will send only one team to the playoffs.

-- Great coaching move by Lovie Smith to throw the red replay flag and get Marty Booker a 30-yard reception in his stats, even though the Bears would have gotten essentially the same spot on a pass interference penalty. On the surface that seems like too much risk for no real reward, but with a 17-0 lead and no realistic chance of losing the game, a potential loss of a timeout is a small price for a leader to pay to ingratiate himself to the troops.

-- Truth be told, I only watched through about the middle of the third quarter, as my dish lost the high-def signal while I was recording. Last major thing I saw was the Lions’ touchdown on the heels of Deven Hester’s fumble. Looking at the box score, I don’t think I really missed anything.

Brain Shuffle, 10/05/08

Yes, brain shuffle is back after a several weeks' hiatus. (Two, maybe?) I could tell you where it went, but that wouldn't be very shuffle-y at all, now, would it?

-- I have to admit, I rather enjoyed hearing a smiling Sarah Palin tell me to "drill, baby, drill!"

-- That said, I'd still rather drill Jill -- Biden, that is. Does that make me a hopelessly hardcore Democrat? Vote in the left rail!

-- I never quite understood Steve Fossett's fascination with daredevil-ry. Now I really don't understand it.

-- Not that I actually believe in curses, but I can't help but notice that the Cubs still haven't won a playoff game since the Steve Bartman incident. That's 0-8 since he fouled a foul ball in 2003; 0-9 overall.

-- Ummm ... does anybody out there really want to take Jenny McCarthy's medical advice?

-- Here's how much I hate Michigan: I don't care how badly Illinois beat them, I still think they got a gift from the officiating crew Saturday on their second "touchdown".

-- Confidential to Orenthal James S. of Los Angeles: You just couldn't keep your dumb ass out of jail, could you?

Kevin's NFL Picks, 2008 Season Week 5

Once again, these are coming in too late to help anybody. Then again, lately they've been coming in too wrong to help anybody.

LOCK

DENVER -3.5 vs. Tampa Bay (O/U: 46.5)
Tampa Bay just isn't as good as their mediocre 2-2 record would indicate.

HIGH FIVE

NEW ORLEANS -3 vs. Minnesota (O/U: 46.5)
The Saints' two losses were games they had a chance to win. The Vikings' one win was a bit of a fluke.

Pittsburgh +5 at JACKSONVILLE (O/U: 37)
The Jaguars definitely aren't going to bother to beat the Steelers by as much as 5.

MIAMI +6 vs. San Diego (O/U: 44.5)
After each of their last performances, take the Dolphins and the points at home.

Indianapolis -3 at HOUSTON (O/U: 49)
Don't ever on the road team in a divisional game. Unless its, you know, like the Colts at the Texans or something.

Washington +6.5 at PHILADELPHIA (O/U: 42)
I'm technically not breaking my rule here -- the Redskins could cover and still lose. Besides, 6.5 is a heck of a lot of points to give a team that just took down the Cowboys.

WILD CARD

BALTIMORE +2.5 vs. Tennessee (O/U: 3.5)
The Titans can't win them all, and this matchup with a former fierce division rival smells like a trap to me.

STAY AWAY FROM

ARIZONA -1.5 vs. Buffalo (O/U: 44.5)
Neither of these teams has done much covering the last couple weeks.

DETROIT +3 vs. Chicago (O/U: 45.5)
I just might leave the Sybil-esque Bears in this category all season long.

DALLAS -16 vs. Cincinatti (O/U: 45)
You should almost always stay away from an NFL game with a line of more than two touchdowns.

THE REST

CAROLINA -9.5 vs. Chiefs (O/U: 38.5)
That's a few too many points to pull the trigger on the Panthers.

GREEN BAY -3.5 vs. Atlanta (O/U: 40.5)
Aaron Rodgers' uncertain status makes this one tough to call, even though the Packers would probably beat the Falcons with you or me at quarterback.

N.Y. GIANTS -7 vs. Seattle (O/U: 43.5)
Too many variables to make a call here.

SAN FRANCISCO -3 vs. New England (O/U: 41)
Can we make this the '89 49ers vs. the '04 Patriots?

RECORDS Last week (season)
Overall includes lock and high five picks -- I track my wild card picks for fun but claim no accountability for them.

OVERALL: 2-4 (9-9)
LOCK: 1-0 (2-1)
HIGH FIVE: 1-4 (7-8)

WILD CARD: 0-1 (1-2)

It Wasn't Supposed To End Like This At All

What the hell happened?

The team with the best record in the NL was not supposed to get swept -- let alone annihilated -- by the team with the worst record of all of the playoff entrants.

Yet there it was. This went beyond the Dodgers winning in 3 games. The Cubs and their mighty offense held the lead for a whopping 2 1/2 innings and had a scoreless streak of 13 innings between Games 1 and 2. Meanwhile, their vaunted starting pitching got rocked as they were outscored 20-6 for the series.

It's hard to say who was the biggest disappointment for the Cubs. At first glance, it seems to be Alfonso Soriano and his 1-for-14 performance. (Incidentally, if you wanted to prorate his annual salary per postseason hits this year, that would be like paying $17 million for each one.) Ryan Dempster is also a candidate, following his 14 wins at Wrigley by giving up seven walks and a grand slam to set the tone in Game 1.

But my vote actually goes to Aramis Ramirez, who went 2 for 11 with no RBI after a season in which he got a little buzz for league MVP. Soriano didn't have a particularly outstanding season, so his disappearance wasn't as suprising. Ramirez turning invisible was more akin to David Copperfield disposing of a 747 into thin air in front of a TV audience.

(I have to admit, though, that there was a certain poetry to Soriano ending the series by flailing helplessly at a pitch at his feet.)

There's actually plenty of blame to go around, as that mighty offense left a total of 23 runners on base in the three games. You can say it's unfortunate that the Dodgers scored two runs -- the margin of victory -- in the clincher on Saturday with two outs in an inning that included a very questionable safe call. But that doesn't excuse the Cubs from leaving all of nine runners on base in that game, six of them in the first four innings. They clearly had chances to take control of that game and at least extend the series, and instead were mystified by a guy who went 9-10 during the regular season.

So, what really happened is that the Cubs played scared. What they were scared of, I don't know -- perhaps it was the expectations -- but it was obvious. You could see it in each of the four errors committed in Game 2; you could see it in the pained expressions of batters sulking away from the plate all night Saturday. Rob Dibble insightfully noted that the Cubs tended to watch pitches go down the middle of the plate and swing at ones out of the strike zone. They were too scared to pick their spots and stick with them.

At any rate, this in unacceptable. Last year, the season was a success just because the Cubs made the playoffs. This year, they had the potential to win the National League and return to the World Series for the first time since 1945. And now all that's left for Cubs fans to do is hope the White Sox lose in three as well, so I don't get drunken 2 a.m. phone calls from their knucklehead fans.

Palin, Biden Palin' By Comparison

I finally got around to becoming one of the many millions of Americans who watched Sarah Palin and Joe Biden in Thursday’s vice presidential debate. Hey, give me a break -- when my Cubs are in the playoffs, a lot of things get TiVo'd, because you don't always know how long that's going to last.

At any rate, it's no secret that this debate wasn't really Palin vs. Biden; it was Palin vs. Palin. All of America was waiting -- Democrats on the edge of their seats; Republicans with splayed fingers at the ready to close over their eyes -- for Palin to trip and fall and not be able to get up.

But it didn't happen. Her delivery was a bit mechanical and she clearly stuck to what she had rehearsed, but she certainly didn't embarrass herself or her ticket.

For that matter, neither candidate was exacty hitting home runs out there. I felt that neither of these two performed as well as either of the candidates at the top of the ticket in the Sept. 26 debate -- in other words, Obama and McCain were both more appealing than Palin or Biden.

I did think Palin showed a lot of guts to stare straight into the camera and speak to all of America with conviction on the heels of the beating she’s taken in the press. It’s clear now that she’s just an average, ordinary middle-class American, who, like every average, ordinary middle-class American, has an oversimplified view of what it would take to run the country. She’s just had the misfortune to be the one of us who’s been called out on it.

My only criticism of Palin's performance (or, I should say, my only legitimate criticism of Palin's performance) is that she sidestepped several of Gwen Ifill's questions. And she should be graded down for that. But no more so than any other politician who sidesteps questions, and there are a lot of those. (For the record, my other, bigger criticism is that she consistently said "nucular" instead of "nuclear", which just grated at the inside of my brain every time it clamored out of her mouth.)

Biden, incidentally, did not look for opportunities to trip her up, as some Democratic voters were hoping to see him do. Just a gut feeling, but I'm guessing this restraint was by design. There is a risk that Biden would turn some people off by attacking Palin. Barack Obama, who does not make dumb strategic decisions, has grinded out a modest but reliable lead in the polls, and I would not be surprised if he put a muzzle on Biden to "push" the debate and not risk those gains.

In fact, the closest Biden came to attacking Palin was when he completely schooled her on the constitutional role of the vice president. (And that's not my opinion; you can look it up here.) His second biggest attack was not directly at Palin but more at McCain, when he complained that we have heard Palin talking about how much of a maverick McCain will be as president but have heard nothing about how he will be a maverick.

This charge carried a lot of weight from Biden because he did offer a lot of specifics in his answers, and for that I would say he scored a narrow win in the debate. Then again, I'm biased. If someone wants to tell me this was a tie, I won't argue. If you tell me a tie is as good as a win for Palin, though, I would disagree. When you're behind in sports, you can't trade score for score, and likewise the McCain-Palin ticket can’t afford to just hold their ground this late in the game.

Cubs (And Others) Playoff Preview

The Cubs magic continues, as even a loss turned into a win. By succumbing to the Brewers in the last game of the season, they let the Brew Crew into the playoffs and thereby set up a first-round matchup with the weakest of all the NL contenders, the Dodgers.

Yes, L.A. has been more solid since the acquisition of Manny Ramirez. The Cubs still have a much stronger lineup top to bottom. And much has been made of L.A.’s Game 1 starter, Derek Lowe. It’s true that he hasn’t given up more than two runs in a game for nearly two months, but five of those nine games were against some of the worst teams in the league (San Francisco, Pittsburgh, San Diego and Washington), and two more were against Arizona, which is not known for its hitting.

In other words, he hasn’t faced a lineup as potent as the Cubs’ in a while. He also hasn’t faced Ryan Dempster, who’s 14-3 at Wrigley. Advantage, Cubs. The bettors see it my way as well, installing the Cubs as -155 favorites in the opener.

Even if Lowe should sneak out a win, I feel the Cubs only need a split at Wrigley. With Rich Harden and Theodore Roosevelt Lilly on tap for Games 3 and 4, a split or a sweep in L.A. is very likely.

Add Carlos Zambrano, and the Cubs have the edge in starting pitching over a strong Dodgers staff. I also give the Cubs the edge in offense, bullpen and intangibles (crazed crowd at Wrigley), with the Dodgers getting a slight edge on defense. The most intriguing matchup is at manager, with legends Lou Pinellia and Joe Torre squaring off. I do think Pinellia has had more to do with his teams’ success over the years, but it’s hard to argue with Torre’s four rings to Pinellia’s one.

The Cubs will get by the Dodgers easily on their way to a National League title.

PREDICTION: Cubs in 4

White Sox vs. Rays

Since that other local team weaseled its way into the post-season, I guess it’s only responsible to give a preview of their series as well.

In short, the White Sox suck. They will go 3-and-out in the ALDS, and even if they should cheat their way out of the first round, they will go 4-and-out against either the Angels or Red Sox.

I like any of the other AL playoff teams at offense, defense, starting pitching, relief pitching and intangibles. And manager? Please. I’ll take the janitor over Ozzie (who, incidentally, I do not believe to be intelligible in either of the languages he purportedly speaks).

PREDICTION: Rays in 3

Brewers vs. Phillies

As long as we’re running down other local teams, why not check in on the Brewers? After all, they do often play in that grand stadium known as Wrigley North.

Unfortunately, I think they made their run just to secure the playoff berth. They are playing a Philadelphia team that is peaking at the right time. The Brewers can compete on offense, enough to make it interesting, but outside of C.C. Sabbathia their starting pitching is shot. And because of an incredibly bone-headed front-office decision, they are entering the playoffs guided by a manager with a whopping 12 games of major league experience.

PREDICTION: Phillies in 5

Red Sox vs. Angels

How the hell should I know? I’m 1,000 miles from the nearest coast, and even farther in terms of mindset. I’ll defer to the bettors on this one (although I do think the winner of this series goes on to the World Series).

PREDICTION: Angels in 5

Bailing On The Bailout

I think I like the message the House of Representatives sent today by turning down the $700 taxpayer bailout of major companies falling apart.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulsen and a host of other experts rung their hands and warned of dire days ahead if Wall Street wasn’t bailed out. And Congress said, you know what? We’re willing to let Wall Street take that chance.

Somehow, maybe because of the closeness of the 228-205 vote, maybe because of the odd coalition of extreme liberals and extreme conservatives who killed it, but somehow, a message was sent: Congress is willing to approve a bailout, but not this bailout. The House told Paulsen, you and your ilk got us into this mess; we don’t trust you to dig our way out of it. You want a bailout? You do it on OUR terms.

Of course the stock market tanked as this was happening. This is not, as some would have you believe, the beginning of the end. Savvy buyers have taken advantage of other people’s misfortunes for as long as there’s been currency, and that dynamic will bring the stock market back around one day.

And besides, is it really going to get worse for the average American? Housing prices are in the shitter, consumer prices are going up, unemployment is dangerously high and money is as hard to borrow as it‘s been in a generation or two. And the worst thing that can happen to the bungalow bunch is that their long-time investments are going through a correction?

All that being said, I understand that there is going to need to be a bailout, and it’s going to hurt taxpayers. But I applaud Congress for not letting the first one that came along get shoved down our throats.

Bears 24, Eagles 20: Why Must You Mess With Our Hearts Like That?

Seriously, Bears? This is how it’s going to be?

You can’t hold a 10-point lead in the last five minutes against mediocre Tampa Bay, but you can go out and beat Philadelphia wire-to-wire?

This could have been a magnificent win that gave the Bears control of their division. Instead, it was a nice win in which an inconsistent team went against predictions for the fourth straight week, which sounds like the kind of thing that happens in a season that ends at 7-9.

Sure, the defense had a nice goal line stand. If they had played 60 minutes every week, they wouldn’t have needed it. And sure, Kyle Orton had three touchdown passes. He also pissed away a nice interception return from Kevin Payne, giving Orton an 11-yard field to work with, by throwing a pick of his own.

Who knows, maybe the Bears can only win on Sunday night. Or maybe they’ll go undefeated outside of the NFC South en route to a 12-4 record. Either of those theories make as much sense as anything else coming out of this team.

Lovie’s boys have two winnable games coming up, then get the Vikings at home before the bye week. They SHOULD come out of that stretch 5-2 and a force to be reckoned with. Giving their chaotic personality, they probably WILL come out of it 3-4 with an extremely irritated fan base.

The Spot Dogs It Once Again

It's a good sign when you order a hot dog and they bring you a steak knife.

Unfortunately, when this happened to me last night at The Spot in Uptown, it was not a harbinger of the meal to come.

The Spot is not one of my favorite places. It's stuffy, it's laid out poorly for people flow, and management packs in as many people as it can for an unending range of events. The idea is to offer something for everyone; the effect is to pander to any customer base with a few bucks in its collective back pocket.

I was obligated to go on Saturday night for Gigfest, a charity fund-raiser organized by a good friend of mine. While I was there, I stumbled upon a menu offering called The Ultimate Monster White Trash Hot Dog (or something like that) -- a dog, stuffed with cheese, wrapped in bacon, deep-fried, dipped in beer batter and deep-fried again, then served on a bed of french fries.

There's nothing in that list that's unappealing to me. Taken together, though, it's actually not quite as good as it sounds for several reasons:

-- First of all, the whole thing needed to be smothered in chili.

-- Second, all the deep-frying washed out the bacon, reducing it to a pasty goo that clung like pig-fat boogers to both the dog and my teeth. It's a shame, too, because the couple of bacon bits that fell off and were eaten separately were very tasty, but that flavor never came through in the dog. Perhaps the bacon should have been added in between the deep-frying cycles.

-- Third, it wasn't served on a bun. A fresh S. Rosen piece would have tied everything together nicely, and would have made it easier to eat. (They really did give me a steak knife, but trying to cut through deep-fried batter just makes it crumble everywhere. I ended up eating the whole thing with my hands, which should probably surprise no one after I've admitted to eating this thing in any way, shape or form.) Despite the mental image the description might conjure up, the white trash dog was nowhere near too large to fit on a bun, and if you're going to serve it on top of fries anyway that's all the more reason to drench it in chili.

All things considered, this dog was a lot of great tastes that didn't quite taste great together. It was OK, but like everything else about The Spot, was perhaps a bit over-sold.

The Debate: Slim Victory for Obama

I watched Friday night's presidential debate with a pretty hard-core pro-Barack Obama crowd. That made it tough to remain objective, as I found myself almost looking for ways to believe John McCain was outperforming Obama, just to balance out the universe.

Still, I have to give a slight edge overall to the Democrat. That said, neither candidate registered a knockout, by which I mean neither really gave an undecided voter a reason to pick a side.

I do think Obama did a better job of speaking to the average, everyday American, by stressing which issues (economy, health care and education) affect them most. That may have been only because Obama is far more eloquent than McCain.

I also thought Obama did himself a disservice with his constant interruptions of McCain to correct statements McCain made about Obama. His explanations were plausible, so any one of the interruptions may have been warranted taken by itself, but after a while the presidential thing to do is to rise above the mud.

And unfounded charges notwithstanding, McCain is a sincere individual who does genuinely care about the people he would serve. However, that didn't come through his stumbling rhetoric, so Obama gets the win.

I'm not the only one who thinks so. A CNN poll also gave Obama a slight win, although the audience had more Democratics to begin with. Still, that may be representative of the country right now. I've been watching state polls at Real Clear Politics since early this year, and as the economy has plummeted the last week or so, several states have been moving to the left.

Kevin's NFL Picks, 2008 Season Week 4

Here are my hastily thrown together NFL picks for Week 4. It's not like these are coming out in time to help anyone bet, but then again, since no one actually reads this blog, it all works out.

As always, all picks and records are against the spread, and lines are from sportsbook.com.

LOCK
After last week, I'm riding my Titans.

TENNESSEE -3 vs. Minnesota (O/U: 35)
Tennessee seems to be the real deal. The Vikings still haven't impressed me yet.

HIGH FIVE
These should be solid picks.

Philadelphia -3 at CHICAGO (O/U: 39)
The Eagles are very, very good, at Donovan McNabb is unstoppable at Soldier Field. The Bears should be good enough to make this competitive, but they're not.

Buffalo -8 at ST. LOUIS (O/U: 43)
The Rams haven't come close to covering an 8-point spread this year; why start now?

Green Bay +2 at TAMPA BAY (O/U: 42.5)
Hey, 2008 is a green year, in the environment as well as the battle of the bays.

OAKLAND +7.5 vs. San Diego (O/U: 45.5)
For some reason the Raiders are responding to front-office chaos well on the field. Take the touchdown and the hook at home.

Arizona +1 at N.Y. JETS (O/U: 44)
Yeah, these are the kind of picks that happen when you have six teams on a bye week. BUT, the Cardinals stayed on the East Coast all week after Sunday's game at Washington, so hopefully they've adjusted to the time difference enough to play the entire game the way they played the second half against the Redskins.

WILD CARD
Hey, it could happen.

DALLAS -10.5 vs. Washington (O/U: 46.5)
My thinking here is that the Cowboys covered this spread last week, on the road, against a better team.

STAY AWAY
Bet at your own risk.

CINCINNATI -1.5 vs. Cleveland (O/U: 42)
Something in my gut tells me to take the Browns, especially because home field seems to be a detriment for the Bengals. But based on last week's performances and common scores against the Ravens, the math says Cincinnati will win.

NEW ORLEANS -4.5 vs. San Francisco (O/U: 48.5)
The Saints probably should cover, but the 49ers have proved resiliant lately.

PITTSBURGH -5 vs. Baltimore (O/U: 34)
The Steelers think they're the class of this division. The Ravens whomped a Cleveland team that gave the Steelers trouble. Five could be a lot of points in this one.

THE REST

CAROLINA -6.5 vs. Atlanta (O/U: 39)
The Falcons own two wins against the second- and third-worst teams in the league (Detroit and Kansas City, although I can't decide what order they should be in). Panthers probably cover this at home.

JACKSONVILLE -7 vs. Houston (O/U: 43)
Nice performance by the Jags in Indy last week. Still, I wonder if they will bother to beat anyone by as much as a touchdown this year. This is a rare game where I like the under.

KANSAS CITY +9 vs. Denver (O/U: 47)
You'd think the Chiefs would be proud enough to cover a 9-point spread at Arrowhead. You would think that, but if you have to bet this game, take the over.

RECORDS Last week (season)
Overall includes lock and high five picks -- I track my wild card picks for fun but claim no accountability for them.

OVERALL: 3-3 (7-5)
LOCK: 1-0 (1-1)
HIGH FIVE: 2-3 (6-4)

WILD CARD: 0-1 (1-1)

Ho-Hum, The Cubs Are In The Playoffs Again

There are some teams -- the Yankees, the Braves, the A’s -- who, for long stretches of their histories, could be counted on to make the playoffs year in and year out.

Now Cubs fans know how it feels, with the team’s first back-to-back postseason appearances in 100 years. (And let’s not get ahead of ourselves, but you know what else happened for the last time 100 years ago …)

It feels pretty good. It feels like we have a real team. And it totally, seriously feels like an early bow-out is just not good enough.

By the way, I like what Lou’s doing with the lineup. Apparently there were some people crying that he had to play his starters for the integrity of the game.

But it’s not an all-or-nothing proposition, and he’s not treating it as such. You rest Aramis Ramirez and his gimpy knees a couple times. You rest Geo Soto because catcher is a grueling position (and next time, let’s try that BEFORE he gets hurt, Lou.) You get Kosuke Fukudome back in there and see if he can find his stroke again. You play Daryle Ward once so he can prove to his family that he really is on a big-league roster.

Lou’s first obligation is to the Chicago Cubs -- the players, the management and the fans, in that order -- not to baseball. Integrity of the game mandates that the guys on the field have to play their hardest, but it doesn’t mean you have to play the same guys 162 times. If anyone wants to complain about what someone else is doing or the last three games, ask them what they did for the first 159.

Buccaneers 27, Bears 24, OT: Are You Kidding Me?

OK, it’s bad enough that I had $25 bucks on the Bears on this game, and it should’ve been an easy cover. Forget that. This was a winnable game for a team in a division that may be up for grabs but will only send one team to the playoffs.

The post-58-minute-mark collapse by the Bears defense was inexcusable! Yes, you could have faulted Kyle Orton for not getting into the end zone in the first half on short drives, or for throwing a completely bone-headed interception that went for six the other way. The fact is, in the second half he put the Bears in position to win this game.

That’s all that can be expected of Kyle Orton this year. He had the Bears up by 10 with 5 minutes to go and by 7 with 2 minutes to go. This team is going nowhere if the defense gives up 80-yard drives in the last two minutes, commits stupid penalties and allows last-second touchdowns.

Vegas Made Me Sleepy

Yes, I haven’t posted in a while. It’s not because there’s been a shortage of material. I took a little trip to Las Vegas for my birthday last weekend, and I’m just now catching up on sleep.

But it was a good time. We met a high-roller at the Stratosphere sportsbook (who, by the way, was very impressed that I went to Vegas with me and three women). I had a drink in my hand the entire time. And I even hit on two slutty looking women, at about 2 a.m. Monday morning, when the room I was sharing with others was occupied, and I was playing nickel video poker to kill time, and the only other people within 50 yards were these two young women at a slot machine one row over, and every time they would put in their money and hit the button they would yell “GIVE IT TO ME!”, (and by the way that’s the slot machine button, not each other’s … oh, never mind), and after watching this performance for a while I finally decided that if I didn’t go over and at least try to talk to them, I might as well turn in my dick right now.

We also saw a really good comedy show, and the pirate show at Treasure Island, and played a lot of Pai Gao Poker.

At any rate, I’m trying to catch up now. There will be a flurry of posts today and tomorrow. Hope you enjoy!

Kevin's NFL Picks, 2008 Season Week 3

Tough week. I love picking home dogs, but there's only one this week -- and they (the Packers) are pretty sorely overrated in this game. Guess I'll have to take some road dogs and sweat it out.

As always, lines are from sportsbook.com.

LOCK
This one won't be very close.

Dallas -3 at GREEN BAY (O/U: 51)
Green Bay is a good team that's overachieving. Dallas is an achiever. Cowboys will pull away, but the Pack could stick around long enough to push the total over 51.

HIGH FIVE
My solid picks of the week.

Arizona +3 at WASHINGTON (O/U: 42.5)
The Cardinals are finally looking like they're for real.

INDIANAPOLIS -5.5 vs. Jacksonville (O/U: 41.5)
Y'know, the Jaguars might be just not that good this year. Indy finally christens the tire barn (or whatever it's called) with a win.

TENNESSEE -5 vs. Houston (O/U: 39)
For all of their drama, the Titans put away Cincinnati pretty easily last week. Houston ain't Cincinnati.

N.Y. Jets +9 at SAN DIEGO (O/U: 44)
San Diego can't finish. Brett Favre loves Monday night. Nine is a lot of points.

Cincinnati +13.5 at N.Y. GIANTS (O/U: 41.5)
I believe in the Giants, I really do. It's just that two touchdowns is a lot to cover against an offense that should be as potent as the Bengals'.

WILD CARD
Cleveland +2 at BALTIMORE (O/U: 38.5)
Yes, I know I'm breaking my rule about picking road teams in divisional games. Shut up. They could lose and still cover, OK? Besides, that's why this is just a wild card instead of a high five.

STAY AWAY FROM
Bet at your own risk. Home team listed first.

ATLANTA -6 vs. Kansas City (O/U: 36.5)
It's possible that neither one of these teams actually knows how to win (although Atlanta has in fact done it once this season).

PHILADELPHIA -3 vs. Pittsburgh (O/U: 45)
On paper I like the Steelers quite a bit. But Rothlisberger's hurt and anything can happen in this in-state rivalry of a football-happy state.

DENVER -5.5 vs. New Orleans (O/U: 51)
They both lost big leads last week, although Denver pulled it out.

THE REST
Again, home team listed first. I'm not claiming to pick these games, just helping you out with my thoughts.

BEARS -3 vs. Tampa Bay (O/U: 35.5)
Carolina's probably the class of the NFC South, whence comes the Buccaneers, and the Bears had them down and out at their place last week. Griese or no Griese, the Bears' proud defense will bounce back.

BUFFALO - 9.5 vs. Oakland (O/U: 36.5)
I'm pretty sure the Bills will cover, all things considered. I just didn't want to lay that many points.

NEW ENGLAND -12.5 vs. Miami (O/U: 36)
And that goes double for this game. On both counts.

MINNESOTA -3.5 vs. Carolina (O/U: 37.5)
Played in a vacuum, I would guess the Panthers would win this game, especially against a quarterback (Gus Frerotte) so old his career actually started before there was a Carolina Panthers. (I looked it up.) But at some point their streaked of charmed wins will run out.

SEATTLE -9.5 vs. St. Louis (O/U: 44)
I stayed away from the Seahawk Kool-Aid last week, and they choked away a big lead and the game, which was very thoughtful of them as it made me feel like a genius. Good thing for Seattle that St. Louis is easily the worst team in the league. I love the over, though.

SAN FRANCISCO -4 vs. Detroit (O/U: 46.5)
This actually feels like a comfortable 49ers win. I guess I'm just having trouble believing that even the Lions could be this bad.

RECORD
All records are against the spread. Overall includes lock and high five picks -- I track my wild card picks for fun but claim no accountability for them.

OVERALL: 4-2
LOCK: 0-1
HIGH FIVE: 4-1

WILD CARD: 1-0

Stuck In The Drink

I blame it all on Amber.

Amber, you see, is my friend and euchre partner. She sometimes likes to say "You're my boy, Blue!" to me when I do something commendable, like win a tough euchre hand.

It's a reference to the centenarian frat pledge in Old School, and it's funny because Amber's a good 10 years younger than me, making me an old man relative to her. We pretty much kick ass at euchre, so it's come up more than once.

Fast forward to Wednesday night, when I'm at Tavern on the Green with co-workers. I'm going over the cocktail menu, and there just happens to be an offering called You're My Boy, Blue. It's a mixture of Stoli Blueberi Vodka and lemonade. That sounds pretty good, and it would allow me to tell Amber, "Hey, Amber! I had a drink called 'You're My Boy, Blue' just like that thing you occasionally say to me." I order one up.

Now, what color would you expect a drink that's called You're My Boy, BLUE, and that's made from BLUEberry vodka, to be?

If you guessed pink, you're a lot better at this game than I am.

Here's what happened: The blueberry, as we all know, is the most egregiously misnamed food in the entire vegetable or animal kingdoms. Any right-thinking person would clearly call this thing a purpleberry.

And, when you mix a purple-ish liquid with much lighter-colored liquids like vodka and lemonade, the color gets diluted, so much so that ... well, that I end up with four righteous-babe co-workers straining their necks to the point of risking C-4 injuries for a better look, all the while whispering to each other "Is Kevin really drinking a pink drink???"

Yep. I sure was.

This naturally led to no end of fun for my friends Michelle and Kristine. There was talk of a new Facebook page called Flamingo Schweitzer; at dinner Michelle asked our waiter if my pork chop came with pink peppercorns; the laughs went on and on.

To top it all off, Michelle and Kristine accused me of drinking this unholy-pink concoction while wearing a PEACH shirt, even though it was actually ORANGE. (Or at least it was when I bought it. The way a manly man like me does laundry, it may well have faded over time. At any rate, if Michelle emails me the picture she gleefully took of me drinking my pink drink in my allegedly peach shirt, I'll post it here and you can decide for yourself.)

Speaking of being a manly man, I have to say in the ladies' defense that they did follow proper pink-teasing etiquette by handing me the tired line that I must be very secure in my manhood if I'm comfortable drinking a pink drink. You know, the type of thing you say to someone to let them know you're just playing harmlessly, whether it's true or not.

But they're right, damnit! I am secure in my manhood, enough so that I don't feel the need to prove to anyone how secure I am by drinking a pink drink.

After all that, Amber, you'd better win at euchre on Monday night while I'm away.

Oh, and for the record: I didn't share my fruity, delicious pink drink with anyone.

Panthers 20, Bears 17: Back To Reality

If you had told me before the season started that the Bears would come out of Week 2 with a 1-1 record, I would have said I'll take it any way I can get it.

But not like this.

The Bears were in total control of Sunday's game against the Panthers ever since Brandon Lloyd corraled a blocked punt and took it in for an easy touchdown. But they let Carolina turn the momentum in the second half and eventually steal a win.

Although it was Greg Olsen's SECOND fumble of the day that led to the touchdown that got the Panthers back in the game, and although the Bears consistently backed themselves up with penalties, I really blame Kyle Orton for this loss. He was not able to spread the defense by hitting receivers downfield, completing only one pass longer than 15 yards (on something like nine attempts, as is the best of my recollection from the constant Fox graphics chronicling Orton's ineptitude).

As a result, the Bears lost the field position battle. (The penalties did not help that cause, but considering that Carolina had 10 flags of its own for 65 yards, versus the Bears' 12 for 86, that element of the game was essentially a wash.) And that was the game: The key touchdown, bringing Carolina to within 17-13, was on a drive of a mere 26 yards, after Olsen's fumble.

For the record, the other scoring drives the Bears gave up were 4 yards (FG), 52 yards (FG) and 55 yards (go-ahead touchdown) as the Panthers only managed 216 yards all day long -- not exactly a defensive breakdown for Urlacher and the boys.

The play-calling was questionable, too, especially at the end. I will never understand why Lovie Smith and/or Ron Turner called that swingout pass on 3rd-and-1 with two minutes left and the Bears needing only another 20 yards to kick a game-tying field goal. This is football: If you can't move the line a yard and let your quarterback fall forward for a new set of downs, you're in the wrong game.

On the bright side, Lloyd had a good day with his touchdown and six catches on offense, one of them a jumping, twisting number reminiscent of what he used to do in Champaign to haul in Kurt Kittner's free-flying cannon shots. Kevin Payne continues to impress in the safety spot.

Overall, though, this was a disappointing day. The Bears didn't have to win this game to have a winning season, but giving away a victory you could have had is a major ingredient of a 7-9 campaign.

My Picks

Of course what you REALLY want to know is how I did in my inaugural week of NFL picks. First, some ground rules: I'm tracking my record against the spread. For my overall record I'm only tracking the Lock and High Five picks -- the Wild Card is a pick for which I refuse to accept accountability.

Naturally, I kicked ass on the Wild Card pick, not only covering but also winning it straight-up with the Bills' upset of the Jaguars. Not so much for the lock pick, where I got killed. Fucking Raiders. Do they actually like Lane Kiffin or something?

I did, however, hit with the Cardinals, Giants, Redskins and Browns to post a respectable 4-2 record. If you can do that all season and throw in a winning wild card every now and then, you will be able to make some money.

Brain Shuffle, 9/14/08

-- With the way that middle-class women are flocking to Sarah Palin, the best thing Oprah Winfrey could do for the Barack Obama campaign is to reverse course, have Palin on the show -- and start asking questions. She's perhaps the only person who could give Palin the grilling she deserves without being accused of sexism. It would be like one of those episodes of Law & Order where a hot chick criminal is about to get away with her entire evil plot by manipulating the gender card, until a hot chick prosecutor steps up and takes her down.

-- Interesting dilemma for Brewers fans, with the Ike-blasted Cubs-Astros series being moved to Miller Park for two games. Given that the Brewers have had the Cubs in their sights all year long, you would think Milwaukee folks would turn out in droves to root for the 'Stros. Problem is, Houston is charging hard for a wild-card spot, and Milwaukee is much closer to third place in the NL Central than first, so they almost have to grit their teeth and become Cubs fans for a couple days.

-- Great stat from PTI the other day (or maybe it was Around the Horn): Going into this season, Matt Cassel had 253 career passing yards. His opposing quarterback in today's Patriots-Jets game, Brett Favre, had 253 consecutive starts.

-- The U.S. Department of Transportation would like to apologize for the slowdown in bus service experienced across the country Sunday night. Apparently what gummed up the works is that it took forever for all those passengers to disembark the New England Patriots bandwagon.

-- It's not that 16-year-olds as a group are or are not ready to drive. Some are, some aren't. There's no need to raise the age at which you can get a license; there's a need to only give licenses to kids who actually pass a driving test, rather than just take one.

Kevin's NFL Picks, 2008 Season Week 2

I love football. And I love betting. Betting on football is like putting chocolate syrup on chocolate ice cream, especially when it's sitting on top of a chocolate brownie.

In other words, it's actually too much of a good thing. But that's never stopped anyone from partaking.

In that spirit, here are my thoughts on this week's games. Lines are the Friday morning lines from sportsbook.com. For the games I'm actually picking, my choice is listed first. As you'll no doubt notice, I'm calling these against the spread, not straight-up.

LOCK
I love the Chiefs in this one.

KANSAS CITY -3.5 vs. Oakland (O/U: 36)
Kansas City competed with a team that's coming off a 16-0 season. Oakland got blown out by a Denver team that just isn't convincing. Arrowhead is a tough place to play. The hook may raise some eyebrows, but the Chiefs cover it easily.

HIGH FIVE
These look like solid picks.

ARIZONA -6.5 vs. Miami (O/U: 38)
Miami still has to convince people they've improved since last year. Take the Cardinals and lay the touchdown.

NY Giants -9 at ST. LOUIS (O/U: 41.5)
Whither the Rams?

WASHINGTON +1 vs. New Orleans (O/U: 42)
Beating the Buccaneers isn't all that impressive.

Atlanta +7 vs. TAMPA BAY (O/U: 37.5)
The Bucs may well win this one, but it doesn't have to be by a touchdown.

CLEVELAND +6.5 vs. Pittsburgh (O/U: 44.5)
Six and a half is a lot of points for a potential playoff team to get at home. That over-under strikes me as a little high, too, BTW.

WILD CARD
I think I'm right, but we'll find out on Sunday.

Buffalo +5 at JACKSONVILLE (O/U: 37)
This is exactly the kind of game the Jaguars would win 22-20 by kicking their fifth field goal of the day as time expires. The improving Bills are getting a lot of points in this one.

WATCH OUT FOR THESE
Bet either side at your own risk.

NY JETS -1 vs. New England (O/U: 37)
Three months ago, if someone had told you the Jets would be favored over the Patriots on anybody's field, you would have said, "What, did Tom Brady switch sides?" Well, as it turns out, New England has lost Brady for the season, and New York has picked up another Super Bowl winning, Hall of Fame caliber quarterback in Brett Favre. So it's kind of the same thing. And we don't know enough yet about Matt Cassell or Favre's supporting cast to really know what's going to happen here.

CINCINNATI -1 vs. Tennessee (O/U: 37.5)
This is another one with a questionable quarterback situation. Will Vince Young play for Tennessee? Will he be engaged? Tennessee should be a better team, but you always have to watch out for home teams in intra-division games, even when the road team is complete.

CAROLINA -3 v. Chicago (O/U: 37)
As noted previously, both of these teams beat AFC powerhouses on the road last week. I personally think Chicago's win was more impressive, but I'm biased.

THE REST
I make no claim to know what will happen. I'm just helping you figure them out for yourself.

Green Bay -3 at DETROIT (O/U: 45.5)
For years now, we've been hearing this is Detroit's breakout year. It isn't any more true this year than any other. Still, you have to beware those home teams in division games.

Indianapolis -2 at MINNESOTA (O/U: 43.5)
The Colts are the better team -- when Peyton Manning is healthy. I'd be gun-shy about taking them after last weeks' stinker.

San Diego -1 at DENVER (O/U: 45.5)
I don't want any part of this one. Could be fun to watch, though.

SEATTLE -6.5 vs. San Francisco (O/U: 38)
A Mike Holmgren team should cover this one at home, but I'm going to wait a couple weeks to drink the Seahawks' Kool-aid.

DALLAS -6.5 vs. Philadelphia (O/U: 47)
Donovan McNabb is back, and he could make this one close.

Baltimore at HOUSTON
This one got moved to Monday night because of Hurricane Ike and taken off the board, although I don't know if that's in deference to the city or because of uncertainty about how the weather changes this game. I loved the Ravens plus-4.5, though.

Must've Been Some Holes In Fox's Lineup

Fox has been plugging its new show Hole in the Wall quite a bit this week. Cleaning out my DVR the other night, I happened to catch the premiere episode.

Gotta tell ya, it really never did get more interesting -- or complex -- than the 3-second clips shown on commercials. Contestants either figure out how to contort themselves through Hello Kitty-ish shapes in a moving Styrofoam flank, or they get knocked into a pool of green liquid.

That’s mildly entertaining for longer than 3 seconds, but not much longer. If this show has any chance to squeeze through the unforgiving world of TV popularity, it’s got to figure out how to offer something else.

Instead, it went the opposite way and took itself way, way too seriously. The deep-voiced announcer -- perched “high above” the action, as if that angle offered any deep insights into the action or anyone cared -- speaks of the contest as if destiny itself is riding on it. Sideline interviews with the contestants are conducted after each round by some chick in a black dress. Come on, Fox, we know you love to sell sex, but can’t you just have the hard-bodied lifeguards do something silly every now and again?

I would watch if they picked a random contestant from the audience to play the game. Trust me, hilarity would ensue. In all likelihood, at some point so would serious injury and a massive lawsuit, so that’s probably not going to happen. Still, they could give us some type of human connection with a brief profile of the candidates that goes beyond three bullet points and a video clip of a dude flexing.

Failing that, even a computerized animation of the recommended way to beat some of the walls would add some depth to the show. As it stands, though, this Hole is pretty shallow.

Bears 29, Colts 13: Seriously? No, Really?

Well, THAT was unexpected.

The Bears went into Indianapolis last night, home of a perennial contender in the AFC, home of the team that beat them in the Super Bowl two seasons ago, home of freakin’ Peyton Manning for that matter, and inexplicably controlled the game throughout.

The defense, in a very pleasant surprise, showed nothing of the porous model we saw all preseason long. They held Joseph Addai to 44 yards and consistently rattled receivers. Although they didn’t get a tremendous amount of pressure on Manning, they did sack him on the 1-yard-line to set up a safety.

With Lance Briggs’ 21-yard fumble return for a touchdown, that was 9 points the defense scored all day –- more than they will allow against some teams, if they play like this all season long.

And Matt Forte burst on the scene. It wasn’t just his 50-yard touchdown run in the first quarter to give the Bears a lead many of us thought they would never have in this game. His tough running also converted four third downs, keeping drives alive to keep the dangerous Manning off the field. Between all that and his 123 rushing yards, he was rightfully named the Horse Trailer Player of the Game, or whatever the heck NBC calls its award (I love John Madden, but I don’t always really try to understand him).

Going into the season, I was hopeful that if the Bears could scratch out a 2-5 record by the break, they might have an outside shot at maybe going a respectable 8-8, with some soft games late in the schedule.

They’re halfway there after the first game. The Colts win raises expectations –- a bit. I’d still like to see the run defense in particular stay at this level, with Adrian Peterson careening around the NFC North.

Next up is the Carolina Panthers, another NFC team that went on the road and took down an AFC power (the Chargers). So what does it all mean? Is the winner of that game a team to beat in the NFC? Is the loser exposed as a fluke? And heck, why can't it be both?

I’m not going to get too terribly excited, even if they beat the Panthers. In 2002, the Bears started 2-0 with a couple surprise wins, on their way to a 4-12 disaster. And that was after a playoff year. But Sunday night the Bears defense looked like the classic Bears defense, and I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Brain Shuffle, 9/7/08

It's all on shuffle this week. I've been busy ...

-- I do feel bad about giving so much play to the Democratic National Convention and then ignoring the Republicans. I have travelling for business and didn't get to see much of the convetion.

-- I did, however, happen to catch Sarah Palin's speech. I love all a lot of women are coming forward and yapping about how they're going to vote for the McCain-Palin ticket, while conveniently neglecting to mention that they were going to vote for McCain anyway. She may prompt a few more McCain intenders to actually show up on Nov. 4, but I don't see her pulling a lot of middle-of-the-road voters.

-- Also noticed that McCain claimed he will appoint Democrats to his Cabinet. Smart money says he means Joe Lieberman and no one else, but even by my definition of "Democrat" I still have an easier time believing McCain on this claim than on his claim to be a conservative of the Bush mold on economic policy.

-- Get well soon, Carlos Zambrano. And when I say "soon", I mean ASAP.

-- There may be one or two of you out there reading this who knew my late friend, and Daily Illini legend, Jeff Ponczak. You'll be glad to know that he lives on in the panels of Gil Thorpe, one of his great passions.

-- The next thing out of Chad "Johnson" Ocho Cinco's mouth had better be "Look at my Super Bowl ring," or else I'm not paying attention.

-- I kind of missed my window to write an entire post ripping on former Sun-Times sports columnist Jay Mariotti, but here's all you need to know about him: It took him 17 years to figure out the Sun-Times was a sinking ship.

Brain Shuffle, 8/31/08

-- Best wishes go out to Bears cornerback Charles Tillman and his 6-month-old daughter, Tiana, on her recovery from heart transplant surgery.

-- I would heartily applaud the Republican party if they turn their convention into any type of relief effort for people hurt or displaced by Hurricane Gustav. People's lives are in the balance; let's forgot about political allegiances for now and get back to that before November.

-- Speaking of, if I'm John McCain and I just put a total unknown on my presidential ticket, I'm not sure I want her throwing the words "bridge to nowhere" out into the national consciousness every 20 minutes.

-- Before that next hop, Alfonso Soriano, remember that the last Cubs player to pull that crap (Mel Hall in 1984) got quickly traded.

-- My all-time hottie Anna Kournikova is in Maxim this month. How much longer until her career is dead enough that she has to give in to Playboy's long-standing overture?

-- Click here ... trust me, just click on it ... OK, you back yet? So, I don't pretend to have a criminal mind, but I might have called the front desk and see if they had any booze they could send up. UPDATE 9/12: Damnit, that story has fallen off their website. The deal is, some dude had a bunch of hostages in a motel room, and got caught when he sent two of them out on a beer run.

-- Should we whip out the instant replay for Aramis Ramirez' 380-foot grand slam bomb, or are we pretty sure he lit the lamp?

-- There are a lot of reasons you could rip on the LPGA for its new rule that players must be proficient in English, but here's the direction I'm going to go: You can force players to speak any language you'd like, and people still aren't going to watch women's sports.

-- Then again, the 1984 Mel Hall trade did bring Rick Sutcliffe to the Cubs, where he went 16-1 on a playoff team. On second thought, Alfonso, you just keep on hopping.

-- Confidential to MacKenzie P. of Los Angeles: Actually, I'm not going to make fun of you. I'm just not feeling it. You're 48 years old and you still need to do heroin -- that's not funny; it makes me sad. Get yourself clean, OK?

Sarah Who?

It’s pretty clear that John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running-mate to appeal to the disaffected Hillary Clinton supporters -- especially since Palin paid homage to Clinton and pioneer Geraldine Ferraro by name in her introduction speech Friday. What’s less clear is whether that will happen.

It’s unlikely that a pro-life, anti-gay-marriage gun nut of either gender is going to appeal to the left-wing fringe of liberal women who aren’t yet in the Obama camp. That leads to the next issue, that the choice of just any old woman could be seen as pandering.

See, the thing is, there are Republican women who people have heard of. Elizabeth Dole, for one. Some might go so far as to suggest that her service leading the Red Cross would appeal to middle-of-the-road voters who haven’t made up their minds yet. A choice like Dole would have shown an understanding of and respect for women’s accomplishments. A choice as random as Palin is akin to getting up and stage and saying "They're all pink on the inside -- just grab one."

That left-wing fringe McCain is seeking, by the way, will be more sensitive to the possibility of pandering than just about anyone. Those Clintonistas didn’t just want to have a woman in the White House. They wanted to put one there, themselves, by their own hard work, not by some ancient white-haired dude who plucked one out of nowhere and handed her the position as if she couldn't get it any other way.

But let’s say I’m wrong and McCain is right, and the choice of Palin will pick up women’s votes. So? That doesn’t mean he’ll pick up enough votes to turn the popular vote his way, and even if he did, that doesn’t mean he’ll win.

All of this brings us to the real risk of picking Palin: At that stage of the game, any move designed to pick up voters in any block other than state-by-state is an ill-conceived move.

Palin may have some appeal to working-class whites who preferred Clinton over Obama. And that may help McCain in the rust belt states of Indiana, Ohio and Michigan. But her presence on the ticket won’t help in Michigan per se as much as Mitt Romney’s would have.

Michigan, the only one of those three states that's not already leaning toward McCain, is key to McCain's chances. Assume that McCain wins Ohio and Florida. With Obama likely to turn Iowa and Colorado for 16 votes and running very competitively in Virginia for 13 more, McCain needs to win every other state that Bush won in 2004 and turn at least one blue state red. Michigan is his best and perhaps only hope.

But what do I know? Republicans over the last 40 years have made a habit of picking vice presidential candidates who are not ready to lead the country on election day, and it hasn’t hurt them much. (But don’t take my word for it; ask Dan Quayle.) In fact, the only two times I can think of that they did make a legitimate pick -- when Gerald Ford tapped Bob Dole in 1976, and 20 years later when Dole took Jack Kemp -- were two of the three races they lost in that time.

The Speech. (You Know Which One.)

It’s been nearly 24 hours, and I still haven’t decided if I like Barack Obama’s acceptance speech.

I personally wanted to see a lot of the inspiring oratory of the type that launched Obama to national prominence in 2004. We saw flashes of it, mostly toward the end. But what we really saw was a lot of policy, with specific policy goals and plans to meet them, of the type that some observers said put crowds to sleep when Obama ran for smaller offices.

Still, in this context, that may have been what he needed. Policy is substance, and Obama showed plenty of it Thursday night, and it did look presidential. He answered the critics who are unsure of his qualifications, particularly on the strongest area of concern, foreign policy, and after that he laid out a case to let him lead.

This speech may well have been directed not at me -- heck, we all know I’m going to vote for him anyway -- but rather at the people who haven’t made a decision yet. I’m hoping that’s the case, and I have a good feeling that it is, because Obama does not really make wrong strategy moves.

It didn’t hurt that he was surrounded by who knows how many thousands of adoring followers -- I’m guessing it had to be at least 80,000. The normally enthusiastic chants of “Yes We Can” were magnified toward the end into a growling thunder, giving the die-hards a taste of the Obama idolatry that’s so coolly seductive.

All in all, he certainly didn’t hurt his cause on Thursday night. It’s just that I’m still wondering how much he helped it.

Yep, I Watched The Roll Call

Hillary Clinton, for the second night in a row, you were a class act.

As for the rest of you ...

Connecticut, that was closer than it needed to be. Get with the program. Democrats abroad, make up your minds. Iowa, wear a fucking necktie, for god's sake. Maine, that's about what I would've expected you to look like. Massachusetts, see Connecticut. Nevada, you've been smoking your whole life, haven't you.

Deleware, nicely done. You got to the point, and you were unanimous for Obama. Many of you states, on the other hand, should be limited to only as many words as you have votes.

And ALL of you Southern states need to learn how to elocute.

Hillary's Redemption

OK, so I take back some of those nasty things I said about Hillary Clinton.

I have to give her credit for playing the good soldier on Tuesday night in her speech at the Democratic National Convention. She said everything she needed to say to help unite the party behind Barack Obama, and she said it with grace and sincerity.

After a contentious primary season in which her legalistic maneuvers often served to engender mistrust among Obama voters, Clinton showed a different side on Tuesday. She challenged her followers to look inside themselves to put aside any feelings of bitterness or spite and do what's best for the party and the country.

She spelled out the case for Obama and against McCain. And she did it early and often in her speech. It took a very big person to throw that much support behind a one-time rival, and she should be commended.

Furthermore, when she said the words "health care" -- after she was out of the running, with nothing politically to gain from it -- I understood for the first time how deeply she feels about this issue. I still disagree with her plan to fix it, as I think it is too heavy on theory and wouldn't work in the real world, but that's just an honest difference of opinion.

And maybe her role in the health care debate could be outside of government. Not everyone can best serve through elected office. Look at Jimmy Carter, whose greatest contribution to America -- Habitat for Humanity -- had nothing to do with his time as president. Perhaps Clinton's role in health care is to continue to focus a spotlight on it until it is fixed.

One more thing I have to give her credit for: Hers was the best speech of the convention so far. Mark Warner's keynote speech was well-conceived but flat on delivery. Dennis Kucinich's fiery oratory came four years too late to make him relevant to the presidential election process. Brian Schweitzer (no relation) was entertaining and Michelle Obama gave a strong speech, but Clinton takes top billing.

At least until Thursday. We all know that Barack Obama, in front of 76,000 screaming sheep, is going to set the sky on fire at Invesco Field on Thursday. And that's fine; perhaps he'll start to slowly pick up support from the former Clinton voters he needs so badly. But that task would have been much more difficult without Clinton laying the groundwork Tuesday night.

On The Bike? Get Off The High Horse

OK, before I get lost in the Democratic Convention I just want to touch very quickly on the recent effort by Chicago police to enforce rules of the road on bicycle riders.

I am totally in favor of this idea. In fact, I wish they would actually do it.

I personally think that all rules of the road should apply equally to cyclists as to cars -- well, except maybe for the Idaho rule, where cyclists are allowed to treat stop signs as yield signs to maintain their vital momentum. And I personally do follow all the rules of the road -- well, except for the occasional wrong-way jaunt down a one-way street.

OK, so it's not so easy to follow all the rules. Still, cyclists should be making a good-faith effort, and a little enforcement wouldn't hurt us.

As someone who spends a lot of time on a bike and in a car, I can verify that everything works out best for everyone if we all play by the same rules. And I've also found that when you do play by the rules -- and especially if you're also considerate of other people's interests -- whether you're in the car or on the bike, the other side is happy to share the road with you.

I slow down and make eye contact, and drivers regularly wave me through intersections. I pull over to let faster traffic past, and I get a clear opening to the left-turn lane. I give the same treatment to cyclists when I'm driving, and I don't accidentally run them down.

Unfortunately, not everyone seems to feel the same desire to co-exist. And with renegade cyclists out there being a nuisance, the car-bike dynamic is not as seamless as it could be.

So, some healthy encouragement from an authority to keep cyclists in line would probably make life easier. But I don't think that's going to happen.

The city talked about this a few years ago, and even handed out some random tickets to wrong-way cyclists. That effort lasted about a week. The latest round of ticketing was scheduled to last all of three days, for crying out loud.

Certainly, cops have better things to worry about than making every single cyclist obey every single rule. But a round of ticketing on a semi-regular basis -- maybe three or four times a year -- for offenses that actually create dangerous situations would be highly, highly welcome.

This Dude's Abidin' By Obama's VP Pick

Joe Biden was a pretty savvy pick for a supposed political neophyte to make for his running mate.

Biden complements Obama in a lot of areas where Obama could use a little more strength. He’s been in the Senate since Obama was in grade school (1973, to be exact), offsetting concerns about Obama’s lack of experience. More importantly, Biden is chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, giving the ticket a high level of crucial foreign policy expertise that many felt Obama lacks. Most importantly, Biden will appeal to working-class whites who voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary by the lunch-bucketful.

Biden may be official a Senator from Deleware, but he’s got strong ties to Pennsylvania, a state that Obama needs to win and one that was already leaning his way. This pick should put it solidly in Obama’s camp, and it could help in other rust-belt states such as Ohio and Indiana.

All of these were known qualities before Biden’s speech in Springfield yesterday. What was unexpected is that he came out swinging with the type of attacks from which Obama has recused himself. Talking about the economic worries typical Americans are likely to be discussing at their kitchen tables, Biden quipped, “All John McCain has to worry about is which of his seven kitchen tables to sit at,” in a reference to McCain and his wife’s real-estate holdings. It was a bit of a cheap shot, but it certainly resonated with the blue-collar voters Biden is supposed to attract. (And let’s face it, it was a good line.)

As someone with a strong journalistic background, I’m not crazy about the 1988 plagiarism charges against Biden. But even I can recognize that if that’s the worst thing you can dig up on a guy after 36 years in the Senate, he’s pretty clean.

After all, 20 years ago John McCain was taking campaign contributions and free vacations from the guys who were tanking the Savings and Loan industry. (Don’t believe me? I looked it up.) Undercutting the U.S. economy vs. ripping off a couple lines from guys who would have given them away willingly: I’m thinking the former did a little more lasting damage.

I hear there are still a few malcontents out there in the Hillary Clinton camp who are angry that Clinton was never seriously considered. These people need a reality check. That has nothing to do with any qualifications that Clinton might have; it’s just that the rest of the world figured out a long time ago that Obama and Clinton flat-out won’t work together.

Deep down, there is a part of me that was really hoping Obama would pick a woman to show that the backlash against Clinton is not in any way a backlash against womankind. I thought Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) would have been an outstanding choice, with her 16 years in the Senate, her foreign-relations experience and her appeal to Jews, another constituency that heavily leaned toward Clinton. But for some reason she never got any consideration. Kathleen Sebelius was the only woman to get serious speculation as a running mate, but the Kansas governor probably appeals to too many of the same constituencies as Obama to have helped the ticket.

It doesn’t really matter, though. Some women -- not many, but some -- would have felt slighted more by the choice of a woman other than Clinton than they would have by the choice of a man. These are the women who will forever be convinced that Clinton was rejected because certain men are somehow “threatened” by her, even though most of us have voted for any number of women for all kinds of political offices. (I wonder if these are the same women who assume that men are taking a pass on them en masse because men are supposedly “afraid of commitment,” not because these particular women are “completely bat-shit insane,” but I don’t pretend to understand women.)

Now, where was I? Ah yes … Joe Biden …

Solid choice. It shows that while Obama intends to lead by his own principles, he’s open enough to be guided by the voice of experience.

It will be interesting to see if McCain makes an equally compelling choice. Mitt Romney is out there, and could throw a wrench into the Democrats’ plans to win Michigan. Stay tuned; this could be a race all the way down to the wire.

Brain Shuffle, 8/24/08

-- Michael Phelps' mother, Deborah, has been talking about how the famous swimmer may have benefitted from having ADD as a kid. Of course I'm very glad for Phelps, but I've always believed that "attention-deficit disorder" is just a fancy word for "being a kid." "He could always focus on things he was passionate about," Deborah said on the radio the other day. Hey, that's great. You know who else can do that? EVERYBODY! That's still no reason to not smack your kid just because they don't want to do homework.

-- Hungary 1956. Czechoslovakia 1968. Georgia 2008. Russia hadn't ever changed; they were just waiting for the right Olympics/American election cycle to turn back into
Russia when nobody was watching.

-- Miller Lite is reportedly bringing back its "Great Taste ... Less Filling" slogan. I hope they also bring back the "All we need is one pin, Rodney" ad from the '80s, even though the footage is ancient and the main character is dead. But hell, Victory Auto Wreckers is still airing the same spot it was using circa 1978 (check out the Packard-looking thing in the junkyard), and that godawful Sun Setter ad must have been shot around 1991, so why not bring back a commercial that's actually good?

-- Here's how bad the Cubs' 13-5 loss to the Washington Nationals on Friday was: Coming into that game, the Nationals had played 29 3-game series this season, and failed to score a total of 13 runs for the series in 22 of them.

-- Two New York high school students used a DNA lab to prove that as much as 25 percent of sushi is actually made from much cheaper fish than advertised, which may explain why you never see any stray tilapia around Asian restaurants.

-- I shouldn't even have to tell people this, but if you're going to stand on the escalator just stand to one side and let other people pass.

-- See, the beauty of the escalator is not that it can get you where you're going with no effort on your part; the beauty is that for the same amount of effort it can get you where you're going in less time.

-- OK, so that thing in the photos wasn't really bigfoot. But isn't it just as exciting that we finally have definitive proof of the existence of rubber gorillas?

-- Confidential to Gary G., formerly of Great Britain: Yeah, try Thailand. It's pretty much impossible to find a way to indulge your deviant sexual preferences there.

I'm Too Tired To Think Of A Headline. This One's About The Bears.

So the Bears have named a startng quarterback. And they even picked the right one in Kyle Orton. Now all they have to do is find a running back, a couple of receivers, an entire offensive line and, for some reason, 11 guys who can tackle on defense.

The O-line is probably the most dire need, but the defense is the most disturbing. This is, after all, basically the same crew the carried the team to the Super Bowl two years ago. What happened? I know Brian Urlacher is starting to show his mileage, but not everybody got old in two measly years.

It's true that they mostly tightened up in the red zone on Thursday night (when they weren't drawing flags, that is), but they also gave up some big plays and long drives to let the 49ers get there. Even in the preseason, this is not an encouraging sign.

At first glance it would seem that the Bears also need a kick returner who can hold onto the ball, as Danielle Manning and Holy Cross High School alum Garrett Wolfe both had issues.

But I think the Bears will be set at kick returner. No matter what Joe Buck and Troy Aikman said, I doubt very much that the Bears are looking to give Devin Hester help; I'm guessing they're just trying to show some decoys before the games that count. (Speaking of ... Joe Buck and Troy Aikman calling a Bears-49ers game? Did the other 30 NFL teams fold when I wasn't looking, or did they just want some deep-dish pizza?)

The only downside of putting so much emphasis on the kick return game is that it gave Kyle Orton a lot of short fields, which is bad because we didn't really get a chance to see what he could do. He did have a couple touchdown passes, though, and seemed to run the offense competently, at least from what I saw in the first half before flipping over to the top 20 from E!'s 101 Most Memorable Saturday Night Live Moments (and I don't know how you don't put Jesse Jackson reading Dr. Suess in the the top 10, but I'll leave that one for another day).

Bottom line: If this team wins fewer than eight games, it will be the fault of the defense, not Kyle Orton.

A Dusty Collection Of Sorry Former Cubs

Every time the Cubs play Cincinnati this year, I'm amazed anew at how former genius Dusty Baker seems to be trying to reassemble the team that got progressively worse every year under his stewardship on the North Side.

The list of former Baker Cubs currently on the Reds' roster isn't long -- Corey Patterson, Paul Bako, Jerry Hairston and Kent Mercker -- but there are some key names on that list. (For the record, former Cub David Weather is also on the Reds, but his Chicago tenure pre-dates the Baker era.)

Take Patterson. He, perhaps more than anyone, symbolizes Baker's failings, as Dusty stuck with the much-hyped Patterson in Chicago long after his .190 average in September of 2004 helped sink the team's playoff chances that year.

We're talking about a guy who hasn't even had the career of his erstwhile stablemate Gary Matthews Jr. But that didn't stop Baker from starting Patterson in center field on freaking Opening Day for the 2008 Reds. (I looked it up.)

Patterson patrolled the ground in between Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr. Which of these things is not like the others? Why, the only one who survived the Reds' recent trade frenzy, of course, although that's not really the differentiating factor.

Bako and Hairston stand out, too. In Bako's case it's because he's what passes for an everyday catcher in Cincinnati even though he was too old five years ago to play the same role for the 2003 playoff Cubs. Hairston had the misfortune of being the Cubs' key acquisition in the trade that sent away Sammy Sosa before the 2005 season (although, in fairness, Hairston arguably had a better year than Sosa in '05.)

But what do you expect? The only good decision Baker ever made was where to bat his superhuman slugger -- Barry Bonds in San Francisco, Sosa in Chicago. Or didn't you notice how average he became after the steroid era ended?

Obviously, roster decisions are not entirely at Baker's discretion. But I can pretty much guarantee that these roster decisions were his. After all, whoever had the savvy to get two all-star-caliber young pitchers for Josh Hamilton, and the stones to deal sentimental favorite Griffey, did not put Bako and Mercker on the team.

And by the way, in case there are any nattering nabobs out there, I'm aware that the 2004 Cubs actually won one more game in the regular season that the 2003 squad. I stand by my assessment that the Cubs got progressively worse every year under Baker. There are many ways to qualify 2003 as a more successful season than '04, not the least of which is that the Cubs advanced to the NLCS that year. And we're not going to talk about what happened when they got there.

Brain Shuffle, 8/17/08

-- It's awfully nice and everything for Barack Obama to allow Hillary Clinton's name to be in official contention at the Democratic primary, which is something candidates just don't do anymore, but I can't help but suspect it's yet another Clinton trick.

-- Congress is considering a ban on menthol cigarettes because critics claim they're targetted at blacks. They should ban menthols because the mix of minty menthol and earthy tobacco is about as appealing as chocolate-frosted mud.

-- Meanwhile, Special Olympics and other organizations for the intellectually disabled are upset with the makers of the film Tropic Thunder because of its excessive use of the term "retard," and they're calling for a national boycott of the movie. I had kind of thought that was going to happen organically.

-- I think the thing that disturbs me most about the Joyce Brennan "I-Put-My-Face-On-Worldwide-TV-To-Clone-My-Dead-Dog-Booger-Even-Though-I'm-Wanted-In-
Britain-In-a-30-year-old-Kidnapping-And-Sex-Case-And-It-Turns-Out-I'm-Also-Wanted-
In-A-Recent-Tennessee-Burglary-To-Buy-A-Leg-For-A-Horse" McKinney case is that she named her dog Booger.

-- It always makes me feel old when Greg Maddux and Jamie Moyer pitch against each other, as they did Friday night in San Diego. Why? Because I was in high school when those two dinosaurs came up with the Cubs, as opposed to, say, grown adults who weren't even born yet.

-- People are dropping dead left and right lately. First it was Bernie Mac, who I commemorated by watching Bad Santa on Comedy Central this weekend, and then it was Issac Hayes, so now we will never again hear that classic song, "Simultaneous" (as in "simultaneous lovin' "). Unless someone shows me how to embed an MP3 file into my blog, of course.

-- Nancy Grace is the CNN version of Jerry Springer.

-- Confidential to Alfonso S. in Wrigleyville: I know it's scary when the fat man yells at you, but honestly, for $17 million a year you'd better leg out that double.

-- Finally, anyone who's for, against, or undecided on the environment in general and global warming in particular should read Joel Achenbach's piece in the Washington Post. No matter what you believe, you'll see in great detail exactly why you're wrong, wrong, wrong!

Singapore Part II: Culture

SINGAPORE -- Although Singapore is a tropical city very close to the equator, it’s also a perfectly modern city with high-rise buildings and shopping malls everywhere.

In Singapore, where the per-capita wealth is slightly higher than in the U.S., shopping is the national pastime. My hotel was interconnected with one of the largest malls on the island, and it was pretty well packed every day of the week, any time of day from about 10 a.m. to 10 p.m.

I’m not big into shopping, but I did walk through a few stores to see if their were deals available, as the Singapore dollar is worth about 70 percent of the U.S. dollar. In equalized currency, products in Singapore were a little less, but only by about 10 to 20 percent. You certainly wouldn’t make back the cost of your airfare by coming here to shop.

The thing that actually caught my eye in these stores was a female mannequin. It stood out because it was so thin, even more so than mannequins in the U.S. I began to wonder if S’porean retailers are subject to American-style criticisms about unattainable body images, until I noticed something that was entirely unlike the U.S. experience: The women shopping were the same size as the mannequins. (Men are smaller than their U.S. counterparts, too; I felt really tall the whole time I was here.) I got the impression that if women here weighed 280 pounds, shopkeeps would simply trot out size-18 dummies and their customers would still see themselves in their clothes.

Speaking of things that are better than in the U.S. (uh, by which I mean retail shopping, not women), the trains here beat the heck out of the CTA. They’re clean, they’re quick, and the seats are lined up with backs to the wall to open up more standing space. And the cars are open-ended, giving the illusion that the train is just one long car. But what I really liked is that in addition to a name, each stop was given a sequential number, so even a first-time rider could tell that NS15 Yio Chu Kang is exactly 10 stops from NS25 City Hall on the North-South line.

Like everything else, the signs in the stations are written in four languages. The official language of Singapore is English, owing to its long history as a British colony, but everything is also written in Mandarin Chinese, Malay and some other language that I believe is spoken in parts of India. That would stand to reason, as Chinese, Malaysians and Indians seem to be the largest ethnic groups.

Everyone mixes pretty well, though you have to wonder if that’s by choice or because of a government that can be eerily restrictive. Banning guns is all fine and well, but banning gum -- as in chewing gum, which is illegal for Singapore residents to possess as an anti-litter measure -- is quite another matter.

One of my American co-workers, who’s on a six-month rotation here, lamented upon my arrival that she forgot to ask me to bring her some gum. I asked the locals if the post office would be likely to examine a package for contraband if I sent her one from the U.S., and they said sure enough. No gum for Rachel!

It’s also illegal to have a satellite dish because you could use it to pick up TV signals from outside of Singapore, where TV is carefully edited to remove most sexual references. Legal brothels and newspaper ads to improve your “sexy cleavage” don’t bother these people, but words like “mistress” broadcast over the air do. I guess it has something to do with the captive audience on TV.

The locals seem pretty happy and don’t mind the government regulations, but it’s a level of intrusion that I certainly hope is never tolerated in the United States.

Singapore Part I: Attractions

SINGAPORE -- The most important thing you need to know about Singapore is that I saw monkeys.

Not in a zoo, not behind glass, just hanging out in the middle of the road. Parts of Singapore, it turns out, have monkeys the way that Chicago has squirrels, taking up residence by the reservoir, effortlessly traipsing across barbed wire fences and sneaking into the prime housing in that area to steal fruit.

My tour guide seemed to think I was slightly cracked as I kept gasping every time I saw one, and finally she explained that they’re somewhat of a nuisance. I guess I can no longer make fun of warm-weather folks who come to Chicago and gush about how beautiful a road-gray, eight-foot-high snowbank is.

Unfortunately, that was about the only wildlife I saw here, where I spent a week for work in early August. But I’m told that it is out there. Singapore is, after all, a country/state/city built in a rain forest, and it supports a jungle ecology.

Locals told me that the main attraction is the midnight safari, a open-air wildlife walk that begins each night after sundown. No cages, no fences; it’s you and the animals, in the dark. Apparently a good time is had by all and nothing bad ever happens, but I didn’t get to find out. The one free night I had to check out the safari was rainy, and even if I was adventurous enough to risk getting caught in a monsoon I figured the animals weren’t.

The next day was my last one in Singapore, so I went to a nature preserve in a last-ditch attempt to see some jungle animals. Because I don’t think like a jungle person, I made the rookie mistake of going in the middle of the day, which is also the hottest part and therefore the part in which the animals are all sleeping. No more monkeys for Kevin!

The attraction that’s impossible to miss is the Singapore Flyer, a 540-foot-tall Ferris wheel. Singapore would like the Flyer, which opened this year, to be its signature landmark. It’s too early to tell if the rest of the world will adopt it, but Singapore seems pretty proud: Two out of two native S’poreans casually mentioned, within one minute of me saying “Singapore Flyer,” that it’s taller than London’s Flyer.

The distinction is important because people who actually follow these things would tell you neither ride is truly a Ferris wheel, but rather an “observation wheel”. They have an argument. Although the ride is a big wheel with carriages that circulate to the top and back, there are some key differences. But on the Flyer, the bus-sized, glass-enclosed carriages are fixed -- rather than free-swinging -- and occupants are treated to a safe, smooth trip. And some outstanding photo opportunities.

Singapore also has an outdoor theater in which the stage floats on the bay; a cleverly laid one Formula One racetrack; and a casino in the building stage. Still, all of these things are only worth seeing if you’re already here; nothing seemed to be worth traveling 10,000 miles for in and of itself. It’s all very nice, but the bottom line on Singapore is that you’ll have a great time if you have some other reason to go.

The Eighth Wonder Of The World, This Guy Isn't

First of all, I just want to say it feels so nice to finally start blogging about this incredible Cubs team. I was never going to be able to maintain a blog strictly about Chicago sports, but I think these postings are the most delicious for me.

That said, this post really isn’t about this incredible Cubs team and is only weakly connected to the Chicago sports at all. The deal is, I got back in town just in time for the always contentious Cubs-Cardinals series, which gives me a chance for a rip on Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa that I’ve been meaning to make for a long time.

My late friend Jeff Ponczak, a Daily Illini legend, used to go ape-scat whenever he heard baseball announcers refer to LaRussa, a former White Sox manager (see? there’s the weak connection) as a genius. The real reason Ponz got so irate is that he was a die-hard Sox fan and therefore felt jilted that LaRussa moved on to win a World Series in Oakland, but the purported reasons he offered actually had a lot of merit.

His most vociferous objection was that LaRussa’s use of his pitcher in the eighth spot of the lineup was flat-out stupid, and I cannot agree more.

LaRussa’s reasoning is that this system allows him to ensure his best hitter will bat in the first inning, by hitting him third, and then function as a cleanup hitter in later innings because he will have three legitimate hitters in front of him. This “logic,” for lack of a better word, completely misses the point. If hitters are getting on in front of the best hitter, he will come up in the first inning from the cleanup spot, and if no one’s getting on in front of him, his only RBI opportunity is to hit a solo home run, which counts the same whether it comes with two outs in the first or none in the second.

So all you accomplish by moving up the pitcher is to move your worst hitter up in the lineup, and move a leadoff-quality hitter to the very bottom.

This is not the only objection to the overrating of LaRussa. In fact, Sunday night’s Cubs-Cardinals game gave a shining example of how his “genius” is actually just LaRussa outsmarting himself.

With runs at a premium, the Cubs had Alfonso Soriano at third and Derrek Lee at bat with one out in the sixth. LaRussa pulled his infield halfway in, causing barely literate announcer Joe Morgan to gush so hard about how clever this strategy is that he actually managed to express in complete sentences that the intent is to cause a runner uncertainty as to whether to run on a ground ball (hint: don’t). After all that, Lee just ripped a line drive through the spot where the shortstop had been standing, and Soriano put the Cubs up 2-0.

Of course, if the infield had been a normal depth, Lee would have been likely to try to poke a ground ball somewhere. But it’s a lot harder to score from third on an infield grounder anywhere than it is on a sharp single. LaRussa may be one of those people who has a pathological need to show everyone that he’s smarter than the conventional wisdom, even though anyone who thinks he is, is by that very notion a fool.

Brain Shuffle, 8/10/08 -- Pan Asian Edition

-- The sodomy charge against Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim may or may not be politically motivated, but one thing's for sure: Somebody's getting screwed in a bad way.

-- Seems like China remembered to ban everything except cyclones leading up to the Olympics.

-- Seriously, though, from the bits and pieces I saw of the opening ceremonies while spending a solid 24 straight hours either in airports or on planes, it was pretty impressive. I still need to see footage of the dancers on the globe; if anyone knows where to find it please email me.

-- It took me about three days to get the pun in Out of the Pan, the name of a French crepe shop in Singapore.

-- We are missing out on a whole new way of thinking about Sudoku on this side of the Pacific. In Asia, the game has a fourth element: Shaded 3x3 grids interlocking with the nine standard 3x3 grids, which also must have each number appearing only once. Somewhat counterintuitively, it actually makes the game easier, because there are more ways to disqualify a given number from a given square.

-- Does anyone know where I can get lime juice in the U.S.?

-- That 14-hour nonstop flight from Hong Kong to Chicago, the longest nonstop in the world, is about as grueling as it sounds, even in business class. When I got off the plane I really felt like I needed to get stretched out, by which I mean have one person take both my arms and another person take both my legs, and pull in opposite directions, for a good long while. But on the bright side, the extreme jet lag I suffered had me watching Olympic coverage at some odd hours, which is the bright side because now I can say from a point of knowledge that the seven-meter penalty really is the most exciting play in all of handball.

-- Look for more postings soon from Singapore! I have a lot of good stuff to say about it.